Wednesday, January 31, 2007

Profiles of Expats - Executive Wives

This is the second in a series on Profiles of Expats. I hope to show the good, the bad and the ugly side of expat personalities. You may know them, you may have seen them or you might be one yourself.

Disclaimer: I have lived as an American Expatriate for more than 10 years in several locations and come across numerous “characters” in my travels. However, this is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents either are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to any actual persons, living or dead, events or locales is entirely coincidental.

Executive wife
American Executive wife likes to run most of the fund raising events at the school, which she uses as a guise to make more contacts for Executive husband. Usually wears twin sets, high-waist tightly belted khakis or capris with a split potbelly (aka front butt), sports a camel-toe, has no lips, no ass and flipped hair. Thinks she’s a modern day Jackie O, but doesn’t have the foggiest idea of what Jackie would really do (or wear for that matter). Can be very bossy, appallingly judgmental, gossipy and spiteful. She’s a taskmistress with a snippy attitude. She does not like to be disappointed and will let you know how much so, she is in you. Public humiliation of others is her forte. Just ask if she'd like to join Democrats Abroad. You're lucky if she just gives you the fluttering eye muggin. She’s utterly devoted to her husband and kids. Because of her and her husband’s involvement in the school (did I forget to mention they practically live there), their kids could get away with murder and still be praised as role models for other students. No special school event goes without the presence of one of their children in performance; no awards are given without their children receiving the highest honors; no student speeches (plagiarized, of course) are given, unless it’s their child. Every occasion is a chance for this family to bask in their own magnificence. Submit to the fact that you and your children are always in the presence of greatness. Be in awe (and pick that flabbergasted jaw up off the ground!)

Favorite sport: Making herself, her man and her family look like they are just so much better than yours.

Favorite saying: Thank-you, thank-you, thank-you, I’m honored, thank-you.

British Executive wife, at a loss as to what to do since the kids were sent off to school, holds monthly informational meetings for the company wives (otherwise there’d be no reason to have coffee with her). Always trying to impress the wives with her abundant knowledge (possibly an ex-educator, but certainly not an Oxbridge degree; usually a grammar school girl, "no uni for the girls in our family") she organizes discussions such as, “What is Ramadan”, “A Visit to Mecca during the Hajj,” and of course after each session the spouses are made aware of new medical policies or diet and exercise tricks. Wives drink tea, coffee or sherry and munch on quiche, fruit and a selection of British cheese. She always praises the servants in public, but has a tendency to sack staff on a regular basis. A firing in a Gulf country includes immediate deportation and 6 months blacklist from working anywhere else in the Gulf States. Quoted as saying, “I wouldn’t possibly know the first thing about housekeeping,” a facade to feign a high born status (no Martha Stewart, no Nigella Lawson, nor a Delia here.) She’s very proper in her performance – and hopes that someday her husband will be on the honours list – "perhaps an O.B.E., a C.B.E. or even a knighthood . . . . Well, bligh me, I'd be Lady . . . !" oops showing that lower-class background again. Often involved in volunteer activities when seconded to Third World countries and judges you on your volunteerism as well. She likes to organize parties, but is not all-inclusive. Don’t worry you too will eventually be a reject. Very class aware even though she doesn’t have the pedigree. Can become alcoholic due to the demands of – drinking sherry at coffee mornings, gin during ladies' lunch at the British Club, burgundy, and port at accompanied business dinners with the Executive husband.

Favorite sport: Tennis (but on her terms – she never looses and no, you cannot take a water break. Yes, that racquet is a substitute for a whip!)

Both American and British Executive wives never have a “clique”, but do have an in-group with whom they secretly consult - typically a spouse higher up on the corporate ladder, so as to endear herself and help her Executive husband shove his head further up his boss’s rear – who says that buggery is a "lost British art" particularly when it becomes a family affair.

Who wants to be bothered with the banal advice they seek, you might ask? As retarded as it sounds, this crap works. Yes, for you aspiring management wannabe wives, just get down on your knees, kow-tow, hold your nose and then shove.

Ladies--------let the games begin!

No comments:

Post a Comment