Monday, May 7, 2007

Profiles of Expats - The Sexually Strange, Creepy and Totally Naff - or - Would you like a happy ending with that?

This is the thirteenth (I went back and counted them all - okay, some are referential type posts) in a series on Profiles of Expats. I hope to show the good, the bad and the ugly side of expat personalities. You may know them, you may have seen them or you might be one yourself.

Disclaimer: I have lived as an American Expatriate for more than 10 years in several locations and come across numerous “characters” in my travels. However, this is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents either are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to any actual persons, living or dead, events or locales is entirely coincidental.

The Sexually Strange, Creepy and Totally Naff

Example: The Cuckold aka Hotwiffer – A nerd, stuck in the office all day, bored out of his mind, works with numbers or picks rocks. Is not that appealing himself, unless you are really desperate. Divorced and re-married to a younger wife. He thinks second wife is a trophy (you may disagree). Is upwardly mobile in the company or has “connections” to future fast tracked C.E.O. Practically has sex with wife over the table, during dinner at local jazz club (inappropriate mouth to mouth food swaps – or at least that’s what you think you can see.) Also enjoys rubbing her ass like a fetish, in public, but only just for show or to make everyone else so disgusted they leave. Let’s face it, they flaunt it and it’s nauseating! They created the reaction that led to the “Get a room!” quote. They both go into bathroom at parties, forever, hogging it up, doing who knows what, while making everybody else practically piss in their pants - obviously the quote was taken quite literally. Vain, whores out wife to get his own mojo working (what’s with that?) Not to be trusted, anally consumed with his own importance and status, but still naff. Will and has used wife to help get him out of internal corporate investigations; as bribes; and, quite possibly as “insurance.” (Don’t be surprised if she shows up at your hotel room one of these days.)

Has had plastic surgery and arrives at the office looking like a raccoon, but is at a loss to explain why. Has nudes of his wife strewn about the walls of the villa, even in the dining room (now that's really naff.) Eats out regularly. Shits where he works – or has his wife do it for him. Has been caught by wife in bed with the maid. Always home earlier than the others, packing up the S.U.V. for “family weekends." Makes movies, labeled “family holidays” of wife shagging other men, which he watches with friends. Friends think hotwife is about as friendly as a frozen Norwegian salmon. Takes trips to Thailand to sell said videos, to make even more interesting ones and to get “professional” help. Most recent skin flick set in desert tent with Bedouins and camels. Sexually harassing at work. Gets up close and personal. Says, “did you miss me daaling” and pecks female staff on the cheek. Female co-workers think he’s “creepy.” Has to reassess affectionate, but disturbing attitude towards Muslim female staff out of fear of a family revenge killing. Can be seen on the balcony, roof terrace, back-yard, anywhere, anyplace showing off his artistic abilities filming his wife engaging in sex with other men.

Favorite saying, “I would like you to shag my wife... but I get to watch.” (No sloppy seconds here – he carries a treasure trove of rubbers with him.)

Favorite spectator sport: fornication.

Sexually Strange and Creepy Wife aka The Hotty aka The Tart aka Hotwife - whores for her husband, a “Class Act,” and vain to boot. Has had a boob job and plastic surgery. Trots her yin-yang around all over town. Spends more on her underwear than she does on her overwear (La Perla’s her favorite). Habitually outfitted in “chemise” style dresses (possibly commando), 4 inch stiletto heels and has the calves to prove she’s experienced at street walking in them (that or she had calf implants during her ex-pat days in South America); and has a skinny droopy ass (gravity works that way). Unmistakably a skanky hussy, in need of "what not to wear" advice. A streetwalking past is highly suspected due to her taste in men, her attire, and the fact that she can be heard humming, “Don’t Cha (wish your girlfriend was raw like me).” Not to be trusted, class sensitivity even though she may not be British- (Euro trash – or possibly, American y'all.) Sucks up to anyone she thinks can help her husband be more suckessful (oops!). Kids too young for her to be considered a “MILF”. What a “Happy Ending”.

Hotwife's Famous saying, “darling, does fucking this Arab make my bum look bigger?”

Favorite sport: Cali-fornication.

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