Sunday, April 15, 2007

Letter to my ex-maid - Get A Life!

Dear R:

R, I did not fire you.

You quit!


Got that?

Stop playing childish games with me. Stop the asinine, immature, and annoying shit you’ve decided to pull.

Stop calling the grocery delivery people with fake orders (you couldn’t make a call for the Boss Man when he was alone and requested it, so why bother now?)

Stop making your male friends / family members call my mobile speaking in Arabic, laughing, and cackling while I continually say, “Arabi, shway, shway, No speak Arabi;" and then;

Don't personally call a few minutes later on my home phone asking, "Do you speak Arabic? Ha,ha." Like I wouldn't recognize your voice. Did you say you have two children? Some role model you are – who the fuck’s the adult in your house?

Stop having your friends call my phone in the middle of the night and then hourly the next day. I don’t sleep with a phone – I find it interrupts my sleep and I just happen to make sleep a priority. So, I only noticed those phone calls when I woke up, had some coffee and decided to ignore any further calls from that number.

Oh and btw, I have never received a fake, strange / wrong phone on my mobile in Cairo, until you stuck your finger in my face, turning down my offer, handing me your key and stomping out of my apartment blaming me for your son’s education.

Get off that pedestal! Give up the princess act. Your not Queen Nefertiti. Stop decorating other people’s homes (you’re not the wife either) and start doing your job – cleaning. Yes, I know, moving dirt from one room to another is a monotonous skill, but one you need to hone like the maids in Baku (who are experts at shit shifting.) Also, don’t try to impress me with your re-cycling know-how with filth from the previous day’s work; by not washing out the bucket, leaving dried up grains of sand and scum in the bottom, and then plopping it back into the sink and re-filling it with water. That just doesn’t wash with me.

I guess my question is: where the hell did all the cleaning supplies go? Were you drinking them? I mean it’s pretty obvious you weren’t using them to clean my house, and by your behavior, I’m concerned you may have overdosed on the Toilet Duck.

Perhaps you prefer to dust mop our floors with Pledge, like some maids, (so we can slip and break our necks) instead of vacuuming. I personally think you slit the throat of my new vacuum sweeper, out of spite. It now sits in the hallway, awaiting delivery to the electrical shop for repair and re-sale (actually, the salesman says he’s giving it to his wife – what a lucky gal.) It looks pathetic and it’s only three months old. How could you? What? It wasn’t good enough for you?

R, it has been many a domestic’s dream to please the Boss Man, but hiding things from him, washing his black socks with white tee’s in hot water with Clorox, breaking the IKEA Parson side table next to his TV room “command center” chair, and then staining the marble dining room table he just bought, among other things are not the way to do it. Surprisingly, a hapless maid is not what he’s interested in. It must have been a blow when the Boss Man told you, "not to touch," the new huge plasma screen TV. S our houseboy in Abu Dhabi knew how to do it right, like ironing the Boss Man’s pajamas; burning incense when we returned home from a trip; and detailing the car when he cleaned it, making everyone else in the neighborhood totally jealous. He would also admit when he broke something, too. You don’t even pass the sniff test. Besides, once the Boss Man started decorating and we started to actually accumulate some furnishings, you couldn’t handle it. Empty rooms, sure, easy - furnished, no way. Those little nick-nacks, furnishings, etc. got in your way, now didn't they honey? Actually, I think a lot of things got in your way and for now, I guess it's me.

GET A LIFE! Quit calling me. Go smear dirt around someone else’s house and get real – I didn’t fire you. You quit!



p.s.- Boss Man says I should heed my own advice (“get a life”) and quit blogging about this shit. I had to explain to him that bloggers don’t have a life and that’s why we’re all here, in bloggatory. -v


  1. ok so reading this - I think we are going to be friends. Will let you know when I land = (Hoping not to offend a non-drinker) but what is the supply of 'a glass or two of dry white with dinner' like in Maadi?

  2. You can buy your poison (wine, beer, liquor, all locally made) at Drinkie's near the Road 9 Metro or the shop across the way which sells some made by a Greek company. Drinkies delivers. When you arrive, you have 78 hours in which you can purchase real alcohol at the Duty Free Shops located in various areas - take your passport. Coming from Australia you will probably be disappointed in the quality of wine, but unless you travel A LOT, you're stuck with the local brew. Once you're established you should receive a letter giving you permission to buy a specific quantity of alcohol from the Duty Free Shop. Unfortunately, they just closed the Duty Free in Maadi and I think the closest one, is in Nasr City / Heliopolis.

    Many Americans refuse to drink the local alcohol referring to it as "poison" - as if the "real stuff" isn't, hahaha.

    Wine and some drinks are available at many restaurants, but not all, as the process to get a liquor license is lengthy, and costly. You'll find quite a few restaurants in Maadi at least serve wine and beer.

    Also, for more info on Maadi, I did a few posts, which might give you an idea of the area.

  3. Looks like u had a tough time with the maid :) or is that an under statement ?

    Was wondering about this letter giving permission to buy alcohol from duty free. Who is eligible & how do we get this letter ? (whom do we approach)

  4. The Boss Man (husband) got the letter for alcohol from his employer. You can't get much with it - 3 liters a month, and each month you need a new letter, but you can purchase other Duty Free items as well (perfume, chocolates, tobacco, etc.) I just mainly drink the local poison, and bring in special stuff (Calvados and the like) when I travel. Check with your employer. They may offer it, but may not say so - unless you ask.

    It's weird - I'm returning to the States in late October and was just thinking the past few days how great it will be to drink wine out of the box again - it will probably knock me on my ass too.

    Btw, I have seen people here with boxed wine. I don't know where they get it. I've seen it at the ACE Club too. If I ever find out where they obtain it, other than in their own luggage, I will make an official announcement.