Sunday, February 25, 2007

Profiles of Expats - 007 Wannabe

This is the fourth in a series on Profiles of Expats. I hope to show the good, the bad and the ugly side of expat personalities. You may know them, you may have seen them or you might be one yourself.

Disclaimer: I have lived as an American Expatriate for more than 10 years in several locations and come across numerous “characters” in my travels. However, this is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents either are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to any actual persons, living or dead, events or locales is entirely coincidental.

JAMES W. BOND – (The W stands for Wannabe)

Some expats in first time positions of authority let it go to their head.

Imagine a boy from a small Northern Irish town, or a Geordie or an American from Hicksville, USA. Also imagine that fellow on a first expat position with the wife back at home and with a James Bond fantasy fed by occasional meetings with foreign government officials. Finally, think of the poor fellow who at home is such a nerd that he "could not get laid in brothel with a pocket full of cash." As an expat, he's Bond, James W. Bond.

Here goes -

Yes, tha’s me baybee! Ah am a figment of me own imagination. Ah shit where Ah eat just like 007. Ah know, it’s something highly discouraged, but Ah just canna 'elp meself, even if me Miss Moneypenny hits the scales at 15 stone and needs of orthodontia - Ah just hev to hev it. Big tits and bad teeth – just leik me bird at hyem. Now you may syay, Ah’m thinkin’ wi me little bird, but he speaks te me and has taken me te some awfully good canny places – in fact, places weor ne man has ever gone before! Ah hev ne regrets, babe.

Ah wear short sleeved shirts wi a tie and pocket protector fre me pens – but don’t let that fool yee. Ah am Bond, James W. Bond. Aa’ve seen it aal, yee know, “been there, did tha” sort ‘a thing.

Yee see me wife is back in the U.K. Sheh’s a little pudgy, (tha’s bein' kind) but Ah leik 'em leik tha, guv. Ah’m not quite sure why Ah ever married hor, but Aa’ve been able to keep up appearances quite well, mind yee. Sheh’s got one of those sod hooses in a pricey area. Sheh’s in hor little realm and me in mine. What could be betta? Fre instance, when sheh comes te visit me heor, let’s say, in Moscow, Ah invite another couple te dine wi us. Then Ah continually massage me wife’s shoulders, rubbing them aal over, wrapping me arm around hor, (well almost around hor) snuggly-wuggly leik, whilst eating with one hand and Ah get aal lovey-dovey and mooshy wi hor at the table. Predictably the other chap’s Chatty Cathy will break in with some common day commentary, which Ah have ne patience to tolerate. The conversation should be aboot me, and me important worrk for the company. Sheh should shut hor trap! What a bore, and a slut. How could sheh, Ah am Bond!

Hev’nt they trained thor wives? Me lovey-doovey wouldn’t dare do tha at a business dinner, but when sheh’s visitin', Ah let hor think sheh’s the show, see. Sheh’s hoose-trained, so-te-speak. Sheh never talks, unless spoken te and sheh’s always complimenten’ everyone and giggles a lot. That ‘elps – gigglin'. This is wha Ah have te live wi, but Ah am Bond

Back te me wife, Sheh’s blissful and has nooo idea what-so-ever! Neither does the other couple! Tha’s wha’s so special aboot me predicament and why me shit has thor names aal ower it – NO ONE KNOWS! Ah am 007! Ah just hev te be.

Look, Ah do contracts and dodgy ones at tha. Ah love the power of screwing other people ower, especially the other side. It gives me, well, an erection. It makes me feel so virile. Ah just hev te get a release and being the good Protestant Irish son Ah am, well, masturbation just won’t always do. Ah need someone te worship me, leik Ah worship meself. Ah am the savior, the great contract maker, Ah meet wi important government representatives, and yes! Ah hev screwed ower people tha live in little huts, eating off the land (land tha Ah’m aboot te take away) and who actually cherish what Ah am aboot te eradicate (which if Ah’m good is everything). Ah am the almighty, oh God am Ah!

But even though me wife realizes it, dee you really think Ah want te shag hor on a regular basis? No, Ah’d rather nail one of the lasses tha worrk for me – they seem te be appreciative – Oh, Miss Moneypenny! Besides, they are so much nearer te me, they dee wha Ah want them te dee and they want wha Ah want - a promotion. Ah don’t care wha the P.C. polliss say. It’s not sexual harassment - it’s sexual advancement. More people te worship me, and more people fre me te screw over, including the very people Ah worrk wi. Nobody disagrees wi 007 baybee.

Granted some men would syay tha aal of me lasses need a pyeppor bag ower their heads or they should be dipped in flour so Ah could aim for the wet spot – but Ah'm 007. Yee see as 007, Ah need te screw and screw a lot – so wha Ah get, no other man has got. Ah’m insatiable – me, me bigness (and tha’s a pun wifies) and me importance – but Ah like 'em big, me birds. You need te hev me life te believe me – Bond, James W. Bond - Ah am a kingmaker. Ah worrk fre the oil satrap, the viceroy, yee might call him. Ah am important. Yes, Ah fuck anything tha comes along, including other people and their ideas. Ah am 007. Celebrate me!!!

Oh, coming dear – lovely tea yee've set oot . . .

Favorite sport: Shitting aal ower the world (shitting all over the world).

Favorite saying: “Dyer knaa whee Ahm!” (“Do you know who I am!”)

I want to thank the original English to Geordie Translator for helping me along with my translation.

If anyone feels insulted by this (or any other) caricature, don't worry I am a equal opportunity lampooner.

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